Sunday, August 25, 2013

KEY FACTORS FOR A GREAT MARRIAGE




Husband and wife gist.

I have had the leading to write on some key factors for a great marriage for some time. There is so much to write on marriage, but I want to take this points as I am led. The most important thing to know about marriage is that it's a man that makes or breaks a marriage. The man was created first and is suppose to be the bedrock of the marriage, protecting, providing, loving and giving direction. When a man fails in his role, most times the marriage suffers.
Note ; Some women can be bad but if the man is in tune with God and knows his place, success of the marriage is guaranteed.

1. On Provision ; From bible account, Adam had a job to tend the garden before Eve came on the scene. I do not care what a man earns, he must be seen working, even if it's a job he feels is below his status, let him go to work and God will bring a befitting one with time. When a man earns his salary, no matter how little, he should make provision for his family by meeting their needs; contribute to providing food, paying the house and light bills ,and make sure he gives his wife a personal allowance, even if it's 1000 naira or ten dollars, let her know that it is for her to buy something for herself, she can use it for her hair or anything personal. What you are telling her is you can care for her needs, so when you get a better job, she is top on your list. It's only an ungodly man that will spend his salary alone without caring for his family.

Note; Some women earn more than their husbands, such women must make sure they know they are help suitable for the man. So they should plan and share the payment of the bills until  the husband can afford to play his part fully. Don't make it obvious to family members and outsiders that you are the one carrying the responsibility of the home, especially if he is s godly man that you know will take full responsibility when he has. My rule is anyone can take care of the home if there is an agreement. A man with a good wife that is a primary provider should never take her for granted by not supporting her in other ways. Never should such man take their money and spend on frivolous things when he knows he can not afford to help with the bills.


2. On Sex - we should all know that sex is not a bad word,God himself gave sex as a gift to man but it must be in the confines of marriage. Sex is not for the unmarried but for the married and to be enjoyed by couples. It's clear from the bible, that a man and wife must not defraud by denying themselves their bodies. I tell most women I mentor personally that sex in marriage is a compulsory course that must be taken at least 3 times a week. A real marriage has plenty sex and personal interactions between the couple.
A man must know that for his wife to be at her best sexually to meet his needs, he must perform his role of being a husband very well. Sex or lovemaking for a woman starts in the morning. How you make a woman feel is what will determine her involvement in the bedroom. Here are some quick tips to make your sex life better;

a. Pray together as a family, let the fruit of the spirit be part of your prayer point as sex is a very spiritual thing. The nine fruit of the spirit if cultivated will help your sex life and marriage greatly.
b. Be friends with your spouse, have a relationship that will make you think of him/ her through the day. Check up on each other by calling or texting. Romance your spouse with your words and action.
c. Keep clean and look good. Make effort to look and smell nice. Brush your mouth at least twice a day, take a bath twice a day , use deodorant or perfume and smell good. Also keep your home clean. For those that have lost their shape over the years, make effort to shed the excess weight, a lot of men and women have been turned off by this weight issue. Instead of fighting,help yourselves to shed weight and compliment each other when you see the efforts being made.
d. Schedule your sex life; if you feel, you are too busy, make it a point of duty to schedule sex with your spouse weekly, I recommend at least three times weekly and nobody says it can not be everyday!Make it a duty to enjoy the husband and wife of your youth,
e.  Spice up your sex life; do all you both can to keep your marriage fresh, think of ways to spice up your sex life provided its not against God's words and both of you are comfortable with it. Change your regular sex position, take baths together, massage yourselves with essential oils, know what turns each other on and turn yourselves on. Go for weekends together and just spend time feasting on yourselves!
Note; I am totally against watching x-rated movies for couples as unbelievers that is fornicating can not be the one teaching christians sex besides the demonic lustful acts on display.
f. I recommend a date every month at least for couples to spend quality time together. Use that time to play catch up and just do fun things together. Your wedding anniversary date is a day every month to have a date with your spouse. Every 14th of each month is my date night.

3. On Adultery : I had to talk on this as its affecting a lot of marriages both those of Christians and non-Christians. In the past, it was the men cheating but recently, more married women are cheating on their husbands as well. The truth is whether you are a man or woman, adultery is evil and brings a curse on a family. Thou shall not commit adultery is part of the ten commandment just to let you know how personal God takes it. 
Most people commit adultery because they have not taken time to address personal issues like lust, pornography, unholy affections and emotional attachment to others that are not their spouse.
What we must know is that we are not animals who cannot control themselves. Animals are not equipped with conscience, they act on instinct and do what feels good but we are have not been made so, we are made in God's image and likeness so we must be like Him by being faithful to our partner.
My recommendation is for couples to do all they can to avoid cheating on each  other. Be faithful to the vows you took and if it happens despite all you have done well. Learn to forgive, let go and let God help you. Let your spouse know the truth, walk as a team and rise above it, making sure you put a stop to whatever triggers lust and unholy sexual alliance with others.  Get mentors you can both be accountable to, learn to trust the guilty party again and above all pray and build your marriage. Adultery is painful and is the only condition stated in the bible for divorce but those facing this issue can still have the best marriage if they let God help them and they don't harden their hearts.
Note; As a christian, there is no excuse for adultery or extramarital affairs. So let everyone putting up the blame card on their spouse own up to their own weakness and get the help they need.

4. On communication - couples should make sure they interact well. Communicating well and understanding each other is key for a great and healthy marriage. As a rule, couples should resolve their marital challenges by communicating how they feel. Offense as they say is no offense until you brood over it, when this happens, let your spouse know you feel offended and make up. Marriage is made of two forgivers. Communicate your family values clearly to your spouse, to your children and those living with you, so everyone is clear on what values you uphold. Have time to set goals together as a family and discuss things to move your family forward. Remember communication is a two way traffic and not one way. Couples must be on same page and must show clear understanding of what is being communicated whether verbally or non verbally.

5. Relationship with others - couples must never put others before themselves. Be the others; parents, children, relatives, friends or colleagues. After God, the next person is your spouse, you most make sure you protect them and stand for them. You are a team as a couple, the others are those you choose to allow into the team but remember the two of you are the most important members of the team. I tell men that they must let their family members know that their wife is not "our wife"to be enslaved to be cooking and cleaning for their family members especially if they live in same house. I don't care if it's the elder brother or sister living with them, please make sure they respect your spouse and help out with chores. If it can be avoided, let nobody live with you  or let family members stay away from living with you for at least one year and when they come, set rules that they must abide by.  Where one or two parents are staying, especially long term stay, get a personal nanny or maid for the parent if they are challenged age wise, health wise or physically. Don't turn your wife to a maid for your family. Wives should also learn to attend to their husband's needs, don't make those staying in your home to be your husband's companion, be they your siblings or maid. Also make sure, your siblings staying are involved in household chores, everyone must contribute their quota to the running of the house.
Note; As Africans and Nigerians especially, we can not avoid relatives coming to the house, we must make sure we are hospitable both to our relatives and that of our spouse. We must set boundaries, apply wisdom in managing our relationship with others, so we don't get caught in issues that can break our homes.
For those using the excuses of  children to deprive their husband  of quality time and affection, please know it is your husband first before children and both of you should manage the children together, so you spend more time as a family and you are not too tired to perform your wifely obligations to your husband.

Wow, there is still so much to write but let me allow you to digest this. I look forward to comments and testimonies.

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