Thursday, February 7, 2013


It's a long read but worth it.

I was chatting recently with a younger friend and sister and she was asking me why married women are all over the place cheating on their husbands. She said marriage is no longer honorable as people no longer look at marriage with respect. She said these days it's not easy for men to commit as they see all sorts and fear to make commitments. She said many married women have been caught and some are yet to be caught and that it makes it hard for young girls like her to think and say " what's the need of getting married? " .

She is not the first person to express this fears to me. I hear and see this daily and wonder, where did we miss it? Why are women that are suppose to be married now sleeping with their husband's friends, their colleagues, Business partners, Pastors, neighbors, husband's brothers, clients, drivers and houseboys? Hmmm the list is endless. Every day i see different stories from the gossip blogs on married women caught in adultery and my heart bleeds, it's scary to know that what was frowned at and a taboo before is now becoming the norm, God forbid.

Know that our African culture permits men to be promiscuous to an extent but not women. Growing up it was seen as a taboo for a married woman to sleep with another man, as her sins will find her out by her child or husband dying. I still carry that in my head and tell myself that besides being a Christian, it's a taboo in my culture to let another man sleep with me.

Most times people blame the devil for things he did not do, and one of such is adultery and fornication. Most women when caught will say it's the work of the devil but we all know, it's first a work conceived in the heart before its carried out as action for the devil to take over. Here are some common reasons why i think women cheat and some solutions that will help stop it.

1. Upbringing : if a woman grows up in a home where she was not properly trained by her parents in terms of moral values then be sure that she will see nothing wrong with cheating especially if her parents are the type that believe she is their cash cow and should marry for money to remove the family from poverty. A lot of girls and even guys have been cajoled by parents to marry the highest bidder and not someone they truly love. I have seen parents that train up their children in such a way that they allow them get away with all sorts, so you see these children misbehaving later in life, and adultery is just one of the result of this misbehavior especially when both parents also engage in it.

Solution : Parents should be examples and role models to their children and should also bring up their children in the ways and fear of the Lord, so, when they are grown they will not depart from the ways of righteousness.

2. Marrying for the wrong reasons: These days, I see people marry just because their mates are married, some marry because they got pregnant for their "sleeping partner" , some marry for the name, money , fame , shape, beauty etc, marrying for the wrong reason will definitely bring some challenges later and most people that married for the wrong reason are likely to cheat on their partners when the euphoria of that reason wears off.

Solution : Know why you are getting married, marry for love, marry because there is a purpose for your marriage; come together to love and to hold, for procreation and for the bigger picture of being examples to others after you.

3. Peer pressure / money pressure : A lot of women cheat as a result of the kind of friends they keep, if all your friends are "runs babes" it's a matter of time, for you to join them. Most ladies have been hooked up by their friend's to one "uncle" or the other, to help them maintain a lifestyle their husbands can not afford, they want to wear the latest designers clothes, wear Brazilian/ Peruvian/Indian wigs, carry the latest designer bags and go on vacation to exotic places, so as to keep up with the "Kardasians" ( with all apologies to the real Kardasians) they do all sorts and use work as an excuse to travel or use friends to go for endless "owambe"  parties or even use church activities to live their promiscuous lifestyle. These women can resort to diabolical means also to keep their " feel among lifestyle"

Solution: Mind the friends you keep, studies have shown that if you keep friends with good and godly values, there is the tendency to make progress in all areas of your life as your network determines your net worth plus the fact that friends with godly moral values will help you see that divorce is not an option and so you must do every thing to keep your marriage. Choose friends that are not vain and friends that will encourage you to live right.

Note; if you are already caught in this, it's time to change your cycle of friends, just like Abraham and Lot parted ways in Genesis 13:8-12. Part ways with friends that are wrong influences, so you can fulfill your glorious destiny.

4 Not setting clear boundaries: Most women have cheated with colleagues, bosses and Pastors because these are people they see more than they see their spouses, they have formed bonds with these people unknowingly as they go to them for advice, whine to them about children, husband etc, before they know it, it becomes a matter of time that cheating is inevitable. To them this was not planned but it happened and from there the lies starts, if they are professional colleagues, legitimate business trips becomes their getaways, and soon all manners of emotional blackmails starts to keep the relationship going.

Solution: Every woman should know that sharing intimate secrets with a man other than their husbands can lead to trouble. I am not against male/ female relationships but every relationship should have boundaries where you do not cross the line from being close friends to sleeping partners. ( This applies to the men too) . Mind how you dress and look for compliments around your male colleagues, don't become office wife, keep a decent distance between you and your male colleagues so you do not end up in their beds, mind you, lesbianism is also on the increase, that too is adultery.

5. The  Jezebel syndrome - These particular set of women just love living dangerously, they want men that are not theirs, they imagine all sort in their head with any man they fancy and go after these men with all means, these are the ones that see a pastor preaching and mark him down as their next conquest. They will do anything to bring down a man of God or a reputable man , they are manipulative and all they want is the thrill of sleeping with the next man and most times they are demon possessed.
Note: Some may have a disorder known as "nymphomania" for such women, anything in trousers go, house help, drivers, etc. They have excessive sexual urges and will go to any length to satisfy this urge.

Solution: For such women, it's only counseling and the word of God that can make them stop. They have to repent and ask for God's help plus seek medical and psychological help as well.

6. Foundational problems: A lot of people will not understand this especially if they are not Christians or do not believe that the sins of the fathers/ mothers can be visited on the children. These group of women just find themselves cheating, some it's as a result of sins of adultery in their family, some it's even from their husbands sleeping with other possessed women and by the time, he sleeps with them, there is transference of spirit and these women become victims of crazy sexual urges without knowing.

Solution: know that 1 Corinthians 16:15 -20  makes it clear that being joined to an harlot makes you one with her, so being one with such person will mean when you sleep with someone that is one with an harlot, you too become one. The solution is what Jesus Christ said in Mark 9:29, Matthew 17:21, this too will not go out except by prayers and by fasting, such people will need spiritual help to overcome this.

6. Evil men/ Women - Some women have entered into adultery as a result of seeking for help in prayer houses and homes of native doctors. These women in looking for solution to personal problems have ended up with evil men who end up sleeping with them to help them solve problems which are not eventually solved. Some of these women are hypnotized satanically and end up sleeping with evil men that call themselves Pastors or spiritual gurus. Some women are also hypnotized by evil men that will go to any length just to sleep with them, most female bankers / marketers suffer this fate  when they meet evil clients/customers, this is done the African remote controlled way and before you know it, a righteous woman becomes an adulteress.

Solution : Always pray intensely when you are in the marketing or selling business. Pray yourself up and also mind where you go to for solutions to your marital or spiritual problems. My advice is when you have marital issues, trust God to sort you out and if you must go for prayers, ask God to lead you to genuine men of God that will not take advantage of your situation to sleep with you first. You may also need to repent and deliver yourself with God's words from such evil yoke if you are already involved.

7. Marital problems/ Marital itch etc - This may be as a result of a woman not being sexually fulfilled in her marriage,  if she is the type that the husband treats unkindly and they have serious marital issues, she may decide to go astray deliberately or be led astray by discussing with a male friend continuously. In forming emotional attachment, she may get involved sexually and from there it becomes okay in her conscience citing her husband's wickedness, insensitivity and lack of sex as reasons to justify adultery. Some women also have the marriage itch of being with just one partner and looking for way to "spice " up their love life. This myth of the 7 years itch may be okay to some people but it's not godly. Add this to husbands that are into weird sexual habits like threesome etc, the woman in trying to please her husband also end up an adulteress.

Solution: Two wrongs will never make a right, so this is not justifiable actions. Any woman in this should get her husband to go for counseling with her, talk things out and resolve to work on themselves and their marriage. Prayers too is key here as well. Spice up your marriage, go on trips together, discover yourselves again and keep romance with your partner alive.

The reasons women cheat may be different from this seven reasons here ; some have cheated as a result of old flames on Facebook, twitter etc, blame it on social media. The truth  is anyone can cheat but we must all learn to take responsibilities for our actions. Cheating is inexcusable and leads to so many complications in marriages ranging from shame, disgrace, stagnation, diseases, curses, divorce, distrust, and even death. I pray that God will touch the hearts of women cheating, help them to see that cheating is evil and so they must not be victims. My advice for all women to help stop this evil is

1. Make right friends and be satisfied with what you have. Look  for older women ( the Titus 2 women) or godly friends to help you, so you don't end up cheating or if you are already cheating to pray you out and help you stop.

2. Genuine Repentance : apart from asking God to forgive you, some women will have to tell their husbands the truth and beg for forgiveness, this may not be easy but If you truly want God to help you, you have to pray and ask for divine help with your spouse. It's possible to have a great marriage after a cheating episode if only you allow God and genuine Counsellors to help you.

Note: There is no restitution in cheating/adultery as you can not undo what you have done. You can only move on and stop the act.

3. Guide your heart with all diligence as said in Proverbs 4:23 as  every adulterous move starts with the heart, instead of fantasizing about other men, let your spouse thoughts fill your heart, help him to be a better person if he is not up to the "specs" you like, treat him right, be a good wife, take your vows seriously not because of your husband only but because one day you will stand before God to give account. You may never be caught in this world but God sees your every move and is the one that  will reward every one of us one day.

4. Finally Have a relationship with God and Pray! Pray! Pray! This is key as you do not know what tomorrow holds but God that holds tomorrow can help you escape all pitfalls of the devil. God can remove evil from your path and keep you covered. Make sure you study God's words so when temptation comes, you can flee like Joseph in Genesis 39: 7-12. God help us all. May He keep our lives and marriages in Jesus name amen.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

God bless U Ma for the post, I am truly and immerserly bless by it.